Your Emotions Can Ride in the Car — They Just Don’t Need to Drive

Imagine you're driving a car with a few children in the back seat.

One is scared.

One is angry.

One is crying.

And one is yelling at you to turn around because they're absolutely certain something terrible is going to happen.

What do you do?

You probably wouldn't hand them the steering wheel.

But you also wouldn't pull over, put them in the trunk, and keep driving as though they weren't there.

Our emotions deserve the same consideration.

Emotions can be passengers without taking the wheel. An ACT and IFS-inspired metaphor for understanding difficult emotions.

When Emotions Take the Wheel

When an emotion becomes overwhelming, it can sometimes feel as though it has taken over the entire car.

Anxiety says, Don't go. It's not safe.

Anger says, Do something. Now.

Shame says, Hide.

Fear says, Turn around.

And suddenly, instead of choosing where we're going, we're responding to wherever that emotion tells us to go.

The goal of emotional regulation isn't to stop having these feelings. It's learning how to remain in the driver's seat while allowing them to come along for the ride.

There's Another Extreme: Putting Them in the Trunk

Sometimes we do the opposite.

We tell ourselves:

Stop being ridiculous.

There's nothing to be upset about.

Get over it.

I shouldn't feel this way.

We might push the feeling down, distract ourselves from it, disconnect from it, or pretend it isn't there.

But imagine saying those things to a frightened child in the back seat.

Would the child actually become less afraid?

Or would they learn that when they're scared, they're on their own?

What Internal Family Systems Can Teach Us About Our Emotions

This metaphor connects with ideas found in Internal Family Systems (IFS).

IFS encourages us to approach the different “parts” of ourselves with curiosity and compassion rather than immediately trying to eliminate or silence them. Richard Schwartz has written about moving beyond simply accepting these parts toward understanding and transforming our relationship with them. [1]

Instead of asking:

“How do I get rid of this feeling?”

We can become curious:

“What is this part of me afraid of?”

“What is it trying to protect me from?”

“What does it need from me right now?”

Sometimes anger is protecting hurt.

Sometimes avoidance is protecting us from something that once felt overwhelming.

Sometimes anxiety is desperately trying to prevent something bad from happening.

Understanding why an emotion is there doesn't mean we have to let it make our decisions.

It means we're listening before deciding what to do next.

You Can Hear the Passengers Without Giving Them the Wheel

There's a similar idea in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

A well-known ACT metaphor called “Passengers on the Bus” asks us to imagine ourselves as the driver while difficult thoughts, emotions, memories, and urges are passengers.

The passengers may become loud. They may tell us where to go. They may even convince us that we can't continue unless they quiet down first.

But we don't have to get rid of the passengers before continuing in a direction that matters to us. [2,3]

ACT emphasizes psychological flexibility: developing the ability to experience difficult thoughts and emotions while still choosing actions that align with what matters to us. [3]

Our car analogy takes inspiration from this idea but imagines some of those passengers a little differently:

What if they're scared kids?

They may need reassurance.

They may need to know you've heard them.

They may need to learn, slowly and repeatedly, that they can trust the person behind the wheel.

You might tell that scared part of yourself:

I know you're scared.

It makes sense that this brought something up for you.

I'm listening.

You can stay here with me.

But I've got the wheel.

Emotional Regulation Isn't Emotional Rejection

We sometimes think being emotionally healthy means becoming less anxious, less sad, less angry, or less afraid.

But perhaps the goal isn't to create an empty car.

It's to develop a different relationship with whoever shows up inside it.

Your fear can be there without choosing your direction.

Your sadness can be there without being hidden away.

Your anger can tell you something important without making every decision.

You remain the driver.

Over time, those frightened parts of us may not need to shout quite so loudly when they learn that someone is finally listening—and that the person driving can be trusted.

How We Approach Emotions at Brighter Path

At Brighter Path, we don't want to simply teach you how to ignore uncomfortable emotions or make them disappear.

We want to help you understand your emotions and learn what to do with them.

That can mean learning to recognize what your emotions are communicating, noticing how they show up in your body, understanding where certain reactions may come from, and developing ways to respond without becoming overwhelmed by them.

We want you to become more comfortable feeling emotions rather than immediately needing to escape from them.

For some people, pushing emotions away, shutting down, avoiding, or dissociating may have developed as ways of coping when feelings or experiences became too overwhelming.

Therapy isn't about judging those responses or simply taking them away.

It's about building enough safety that you gradually have more choices.

You can notice fear without automatically running from it.

You can experience sadness without believing you have to shut it down.

You can listen to anger without letting it take over.

And you can learn to stay connected to yourself when difficult emotions arise.

Our goal isn't to help you become less emotional.

It's to help you feel safer experiencing your emotions, understand what they're trying to communicate, and trust yourself to decide what happens next.

Because moving forward doesn't have to mean leaving parts of yourself behind.

Sometimes it means learning how to bring them with you.

[Learn more about our approach to psychotherapy at Brighter Path.]

References

1. Schwartz, R. C. (2013). Moving From Acceptance Toward Transformation With Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS). Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 805–816.

2. Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change. Guilford Press.

3. Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25.

This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care.